The Organic Life of an Alabama Gypsy: 2017

A Journal...

Photo by Malcolm "Mal" Alcala

11/21/17

This morning I awoke to the orange-yellow glow of fall leaves hanging on the tree branches outside my bedroom window. I re-arranged my bed so I could witness this at each start of each day given to me. Silence...stillness...something I require, but something I don't get that much of...in fact...none at all! Another day...I look forward too it, but sometimes not so much. I hurt...my body has been good to me over the years, but (like all organic matter) seems to be slowly withering. At 50 my mind is as youthful as it always has been...nothing much has changed with the "thinker", but my bones tell another story. Yet, I am still young! It can be confusing at times...the battle between my mind and my body! That's okay though, as long as I keep moving, by the end of the day, it doesn't matter as it did at the beginning of the day. "I'm afraid that if I stop moving, I won't get back up"...is what my Grandpa said to me once. Or maybe it was my Grandmother who spoke for him? I don't remember. I say those words over and over in my mind. I enjoy growing older...outside of aching. I am entertained by how my body has changed. I love the extra "meat on my bones"...my breasts are fuller...hips wider. I feel like a woman...finally...and less like a girl. A new beginning to a different me...but not so much a different life, and I am glad for that! I love my life. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it isnt...but either or...its happening! I am thankful, though there are those moments where I long for the day I can sleep peacefully and quietly...simply rest. That day will come...no need to rush it. I wonder what my next life will be like? Without taking away from this one, I wonder...

11/22/17

I awoke to lavender skies this morning...lovely. I had a dream last night of a friend of mine who I have lost contact with over the past 3 years. Someone who was once very dear to me...a sister. The end of our friendship has been very disappointing over the years. I wonder today how much our friendship was simply out of convenience? Our lives have changed and so did our connection. In my dream, I saw her walking towards me alongside a creek that we had to maneuver around. The sisterly bond was still there between us, even after all this time...it was so wonderful to see her again. She was happy...I was happy...we hugged each other and talked a bit before she had to leave. I cried. I then turned my attention to a dreamy old abandoned home that I fell in-love with and wanted very strongly to live there...but in the end, it turned out not being the house I believed it was. It wasn't abandoned...it was filled with strange people who were coming and going...it felt cold and empty. It hadn't felt empty before. I lost the desire to live there...I left disappointed....

I took a bath just minutes ago and as I lay in the warm soapy water I heard a chainsaw in the background. I actually enjoy that sound...it reminds me of when I was a kid spending afternoons in the woods (behind my childhood home) with my Dad. We spent hours cutting down trees creating a trail winding in and out then back home again. I love the smell of freshly cut wood. Even the fumes coming from the chainsaw. That purring sound comforts me. At the same time, my 3-year-old son had a toy drill that made a sound when he squeezed the trigger...under water it sounded like a cackle...an obnoxious laugh...

I was a good child, my Dad was lucky. I am lucky for I have good children. I used to credit my Dad for being such a good Dad and I am always complimented on being a good Mother, but how much to "having good children" comes from the parent or from the children simply choosing to behave? I have a hard time taking credit for something that comes from another person's "will"...

11/24/17

I thought of my Nanny yesterday as I cooked for the holidays. I remember the way her restaurant smelled...a mixture of "today's menu" and natural gas coming from the pilot lights to the stove and furnace. I always wanted to own a restaurant...I enjoy cooking and feeding people. Guests seem to enjoy my specialties...an exchange of satisfaction. Who knows...maybe one day I will...maybe not? So for now, as I smell the aroma of blended spices over boiling water...feel the dough hugging my palms as I knead it and hear the clanging of dishes as I wash them...I will just remember...

Today I slept for hours. Much needed rest. I awoke in a different house, bed, and window this morning...no trees...no sky, just a room filled with treasures. The feel of artificial heat and artificial fur blanketed me. The fire from the woodburning stove burned out last night...too lazy to stuff it with wood. That's ok. I sat out on the back porch with the barn doors open to the field...very calm. I drank from my cup (sweet tea over ice) and listened to the ice cubes rattle and crack within. I waited patiently for the perfectly shaped cube to float into my mouth so I could crunch it with my teeth. Satisfying. I heard the birds today for the first time in a while, and I felt the sun on my face so warm...for the first time in a while. I miss them both...

I miss them all...

11/25/17

Rain...at least it sounded like rain, but when I stepped outside so many leaves were falling that it sounded like it was raining, but it wasn't...only ochre with patches of steel gray. The leaves were falling everywhere...all around me, but not a one fell on me. A woodpecker attached to a tree..." peck, peck, peck"...or was it a squirrel chewing on an acorn...?..." crunch, crunch, crunch"...! My Grandpa visited me today, not in the physical because he passed away years ago...but through the pancakes that I made today. I never asked him how he made his pancakes, crunchy on the outside...soft in the middle...like little round mushroom caps. Today, he showed me how. Funny how food triggers our memory from the past...people, places, things...

I ate my pancakes topless...I giggled at myself...

12/13/17

Not enough time to "think" while thinking a lot these days! Dark clouds...under the weather. Life changing quickly...not quickly enough and too quickly at the same time! I feel good over-all...day by day...time will tell and time will change everything...and possibly nothing! I have had strange dreams, though I don't remember them. This world is so cold and distant...what has happened to people? Where are their hearts? If I had more time to think, people would bother me more...but they don't bother me. I am trusting the Universe...take me where I need to be...show me and I will follow! I am content...tired but content. I am ready to stop thinking so I can "think" more. I am ready to leave the cold...from a distance. I will be just fine! Good people, like myself, will find me...and I will welcome them! I am so lucky to know the few good people I do!

I am in love with a Western film and the characters that play their roles well...I am in-love with this poem...

"Tis a Fearful Thing"

Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch.

A fearful thing to love, to hope, to dream...to be.

To be, and, oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this.

And a holy thing.

A holy thing...to love.

For your life has lived in me.

Your laugh once lifted me.

Your word was gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

Tis a human thing, love.

A holy thing...

To love what death has touched.

by Yehunda HaLevi

I am a healer...
I have the answers, but no-one wants the truth...
Yeah...
That is my thought for today...

12/16/17

Ah, finally...quiet! A beautiful warm day today...I feel like a fat cat sitting on a window seat with the sun beaming down on me...mmmm...a nap awaits me! Music in the background of passerby's with windows rolled down...or not? I hear drums from a distance...Christmas parade!

I walked the field and captured what I saw, for someone else to prosper. A vision that is mine, a place that isn't...

I am ready to live more and survive less...I am ready to drift with the current. I have work to do! I have my hands, that's all I need...but I have to let go first. I will try...

I miss my freedom to express myself with color and garbage...
I miss asphalt...
I miss me...
I miss quiet...
I am tired of listening to chatter...I need less, to make way for more!

I see blue...green and orange. Circles everywhere. Shadows that weren't there not too long ago. I feel the sun disappear and a chill from the breeze. Time to make more smoke! I hear the song of a bird close to me and now far away...the drumming has stopped!

Everything has stopped...my nap will have to wait!

The other day...?...2018

I can feel my heartbeat through my fingers as I grip the steering wheel. I drive back and forth...the same road, the same people, the same places...different days. Trying to make ends meet, trying to stay healthy, trying to be the best Mother and the best person that I can be. While I drive down this familiar highway, I no longer notice the familiar things that are so familiar to me, as I notice what I ordinarily don't. I have driven these roads so many times that it all just blends in. It's as if I'm not even behind the wheel. I could almost close my eyes and drive and be anywhere and nowhere. But I think about things. The radio is off, the car is warm...its quiet...meditative. The long narrow strip of asphalt with hypnotic, white, broken lines guide me. I stare at them as they go past me...again and again...and again. Faster and faster...slower...then faster. I think about my life. I think about today. I think about whats happening this very moment. Its the only time that I can just...think freely...without solving problems, answering questions...asking questions...or listening to some else...chatter, as I chatter. I enjoy it. The chatter? No. The asphalt. Which means more to me than just a paved route. It's my serenity, my church, my journal, my memory...my future...my friend...my medicine. It's everything for a moment. Maybe that's why I like to drive in the car so much. I don't require a destination...just a reason. I just...like to drive. Or, maybe I just like the quiet? I think about many things, but today I think about what others have thought. Their reactions...their expressions that speak for them. I am not so sure what impression I make on others...?...and I'm not so sure I really care? The only time I think about this is when its quiet...like now. With no distractions. A thought: I wonder why being a "hands-on Mother" appears to be a "worrisome Mother" to most? Why is that? Its funny, because I am so wrapped up in my own world and set in my own way of doing things that I don't really think about this until someone else thinks about this, and then I notice...their expressions or lack of. I'm constantly being told that I am "a good Mother"...why? That is puzzling to me? I'm just doing what I am supposed to do. I guess its puzzling to me because all Mothers should be good Mothers...doing what they are supposed to do. I am shaping...with my hands...hands on. Like the mama bird shapes her nest. Is the mama bird a good Mother? Or is she just doing what she's supposed to do? Have people thought about it? I wonder as I wander around wondering. I imagine most haven't. So with that in mind, in true honesty, when a person says to someone "you're a good Mother"...what they really mean is...they haven't been. Now that seems less puzzling to me. The hypnotic, white, broken lines that have been guiding me have now stopped....and...so have my thoughts.

3/11/2018

Today it rains.
I love the rain...everything is so clean.
The contrasting colors from dark to light...the only time greens are true green,
and browns are true browns.
Its quiet...everything is still.
Only the birds move around in their nests.
The sky is blank.
Time to empty thoughts onto blank surfaces, at least that's what the sky tells me.
Like the once hidden colors...so are my thoughts...

I miss being alone.
I miss the quiet.
I am so much more peaceful when I am in my own world, moving around in my own space,
or nest...
focused...like the birds.
My life seems more purpose-filled and creative when I am left alone
to experience my own existence...
to hear my own thoughts and ideas...
to do my work!

There isn't any nonsense to my own world.

None.

No need for,
patience...
tolerance...
Or
no cause for,
disappointments...
resentment...

None.

I love people!
I do!
But, I am healthier physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally...alone.
I enjoy, me!

So, how did I fall from my nest? Because I shared it...
I enjoy the idea of sharing!
I do!
My thoughts, visions, experiences...but somehow, sharing tends to lead to abandonment...
a flightless fall...

So, sharing means taking...and taking means sharing? Right? No. There is no such marriage!
You either share or take, period.
When I think about the phrase, "I want to share with you my thoughts"...?
The truth behind that phrase, once the layers are peeled back, is more like,
"I want to hear myself talk, and I am forcing you to listen"...!
Think about it and be honest with yourself.
The word "share" is used to justify selfishness more often than not!
We should be less deceptive and less insulting by using the word "exchange"...
...more balanced.

Be careful what you share. Once shared, it is never yours again!
This is true!
Share too much and you might find yourself somewhere between the nest and the ground.

Might be best if you learn how to fly, first...

4/15/2018

4 days of still...quiet...lots of thinking and realizations... self-love...new ideas...peace. My achy wrists did not deceive me...rain, rain, and more rain...very nice.
Soreness is gone.
A perfect way to end the 4th day...
cleansing.

THINKING: I miss the quiet when I am surrounded by noise...I miss the freedom of doing everything and nothing during times of restriction. I miss me when I am surrounded by others, so needy.
But on this 4th day, surprisingly, I feel anxious to get back to the noise, restrictions,
and other's need's...
I want to come home.
I miss the life I have become accustomed too...
I am rejuvenated.

My thoughts have been wandering here, there and everywhere. I look back on my childhood and my people who have long passed...I miss them, and that's okay. I have thought about a recent loss of a friend...I have thought about her a lot these last 4 days.
83 years of life was given to her...I had the pleasure of sharing 1 of those years...
I wish that I had been given more...

In 1952, my friend was a young 17-year-old woman full of ambition and mischief...always a smile on her face...at least that's what a 1952 high school yearbook tells me. Ironically, I live in the very
High School these photos were taken. One picture stood out more than the others...
a picture of her and her older sister (who died years ago of breast cancer), both lying in the grass together while smiling and laughing. I acquired this yearbook from an unrelated individual around the time of my friends' death. At the time of me receiving this yearbook, I was unaware my friend had passed. Maybe in some spiritual cosmic way,
she had something to do with me receiving this yearbook?
A gift...a message...

It was good for me to look back on her life...it assured me that she is where she wants to be...
with those she loved, who passed long before her.
On the day that I received the news that she had passed away,
I visited her home to leave a card, bidding her farewell.
The house she once lived in, overlooking a pond carved into the property,
along with her late husband's old truck sitting in the driveway, as it has for years after his death...
was quiet and still.
The empty sidewalks wrapping around this old town that her feet once trodden upon,
from the time she was born until her final day with us...
is calm and peaceful.

She was the last heartbeat of this place I now call home...a town once thriving, with only evidence of this through old photographs left behind by those who created it...my friend being one of them.
Now, its but an empty shell...this town.
Reminence of what once was, to those who might care.

I miss her...
and that's okay...
I am happy for her...
*smile*

~~~***~~~

REALIZATION: I am wasting time...

I am just a woman...my partner is just a man...my children will grow to be the same,
but we are all special...

I may one day lose my sight...I may one day not walk...
I need to prioritize things that I can do now...

I refuse to change who I am...
my beliefs...
my standards...
values...
only to please another human being?
Why would I?
I will not lose me to anything...

I will not do things against my "grain" or will,
in order to seek approval...
to feel accepted...
or to acquire self-esteem,
Those things should not be required for happiness and completion.

I have worked hard to become the good person I have become

and I will not allow others to cause me to have self-doubt...exclamation!

I have work to do...

SELF LOVE: Yes...I demand it...

Discipline...consistency...dedication...patience...strength...
the ability to shut the doors to negative outside influences and open the doors to enlightenment...
I need these things in order to grow...

NEW IDEAS: I was born and to be an Artist and a Mother...
there is no reason why I can not continue to be these things...

PEACE...
I am not competing with anyone...
never have...never will!

It's time to go home...

4/26/2018

"When you have sex with a woman, be gentle and listen to her.
Treat her with respect and dignity, even if you don't love her.
Always tell the truth.
Always take the high road.
Live each day like it could be your last.
Drink it in.
Be adventurous...be holy, but savor it.
It goes fast.
Don't die."

From the film, Captain Fantastic...

https://youtu.be/D1kH4OMIOMc

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Fantastic_(film)

10+ years...